Totally Random Friday: Swamp Things

Apr 29, 2011 08:28 am

Today’s five random words (a mixture of average, somewhat uncommon, and downright uncommon) come to you courtesy of my favorite Random Word Generator website.  I’ll have to put my research skilz to good use, because I have no idea what more than half of these words mean.  I is dumb. 

1 – Careen, 2 - Nonce, 3 – Chiffonier, 4 – Houseboat, 5 – Mollusk

Leroy and Tristan carefully planned a spring get-away to the Okefenokee Swamp in Georgia.  Okefenokee has recently become the cool hillbilly mecca of the moment, and they did not want to miss out.  Leroy and Tristan are not “partners,” there’s not even a hint of a bromance going on.  They just have the same passionate hobby – mollusk gathering from the deck of a houseboat that’s made from oil barrels and plywood.  In certain hillbilly communities of North Georgia (and a few in South Carolina), houseboat-mollusk-gathering has become a very competitive sport.  Whoever gathers the most poundage of muddy gastropods from the bottom of the swamp wins the chance to wrestle an alligator.  There are a lot of one-armed mollusk-gathering winners in Georgia.

Tristan is a British hillbilly, trying to fit into the world of Amerikin Southern hillbilly culture.  He’s learned a lot since crossing the pond, but he still don’t know doodley-squat about some important hillbilly things.  Especially the use of the right hillbilly language.  His uppity British hillbilly roots compromise his down-home façade all the time.  Leroy and the others endlessly ridicule poor Tristan, but maybe it will make him more of a Southern Swamp Man.  It’s tough love for hillbillies.

“Hey Tristan, you fixin’ to hidee ho on over to Junior’s Juke Joint?”

“I think that I may, but for the nonce I plan to cut open and clean out the guts from these critters I just brung up from the swamp.”

“When you say?”

“For the nonce.  Right now.  I’m gonna open ‘em, clean ‘em, and pound ‘em.”

“You are the ownliest person I ever knowed who said that.  You is crazier than a run over dog.”

“I knowed it!  Now help me store these here critters in the top drawer of my chiffonier.”

“You needs a date with an alligator.  You gots a lot of manning up to do.”

“I like alligators.”

Leroy steered the houseboat toward the bank of the swamp, but not before careening around three water moccasins, two snapping turtles, and rabid raccoon.  Tristan was totally freakish about the snakes and let out a, “Oh my Queen and slap my scones!”  Once safely on land, they retreated to the hillbilly vacation shack where they watched the Royal Wedding on the satellite TV.

Leroy got into the pomp a little too much (he liked the hats) and had to take an alligator wrestling break to clear his head.  He and Tristan now refer to this get-away as The Royal Pain because Leroy was so besotted with Westminster Abbey that he lost the wrestling match.  And an arm.

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