Jon Malstrom | Authentic Ramblings

Occasionally I have to go to the mall.  Usually it’s because I want to take advantage of the cheap variety of eating options in the food court.  Lately the trek from parking lot to my food paradise has become a very unpleasant journey, but I’ve developed my own coping mechanism to adapt to the adverse conditions.

Once I leave the safety zone of the mall entrance of Macy’s, I keep my head down, walk at a brisk pace, and avoid eye contact at all costs.  Even though my posture screams “DON’T BOTHER ME!!” I’m still accosted by those mall kiosk workers who follow the advice of Wayne Gretzky and “skate where the puck is going to be.”  Once they see me heading their way, they begin stepping into the aisle so they can confront me at the exact moment I walk by their little shop of horrors.  “Sir.  SIR… SIR!!!  Do you have a moment?  Can I talk to you for a moment?  Can I?  Huh?  Can I show you my product?”  I mumble something like, “…not interested…” and pick up my pace.  By the time I finally reach the food court I’ve blindly plowed over three toddlers, a baby in a stroller, and a group of senior citizens doing exercise laps across the mall.

My unhealthy pattern of avoiding the conflict just frustrates me.  There are so many things I’d like to say to these abrasive and annoying people, but I guess I’ve never had the courage to do it.  I’ve recently been indirectly inspired by one of my pastors to mess with these kiosk hawkers a little. This pastor (we’ll call him Ryan to protect his identity) finds quirky ways to entertain himself, sometimes even while waiting in the Whataburger drive through line.  When he pulls up to the window to pay for his triple-meat, triple-cheese Whataburger, the kid at the register will invariably sneer, “Ketchup?”  Ryan always fires back, “Is it fancy?”  After a confused look, some nervous laughter, and sometimes a side-whisper (“Dude! Heads up – it’s that Fancy guy again.”), Ryan is feeling good about himself and on his way.   He’s truly the King of the Disarming Comment.

I’ve decided to follow Ryan’s lead (even though it’s a fantasy in my head for the moment) and deal with these rude mall-spoilers in a way that disarms them like an A-bomb.  And I’m not talking Atomic.

Proactiv Acne Cream

“Wow, what perfect timing!  I’ve really been meaning to talk to you about getting some help.  I’m sure most of your customers are pizza-faces, but I’ve got a different problem.  I mean, look at me – I’m gorgeous!  I need something to kind of rough-up the complexion a little bit.  My hottness is just too intimidating for most people.  You got anything to help me look kinda mediocre?  Whatever you’re using should work fine.”

Eyebrow Threading

“I’ve got this little patch of fur on my lower back. Can you sculpt it into something really cool?  Like a crown of thorns?  Or a cross?  My pastor says body art is a really effective witnessing tool.”

Cinnamon Sugar-coated Pecans

“Whoa, hold on a minute there, cowboy.  Are you implying that I’m fat?  Is that why you’re suddenly in my face with that extra-large sample?  Dude, I’ve been watching you – no shout-outs to the skinny folk, but I just saw you run after that huge dude with the crack pants.  I’m gonna need at least a free bag of that stuff before I’ll even consider giving you my business.”

Korean Massage Chair Service

“Do you work on feet?  I’ve got this bright red spot on the bottom of my left one and it itches like crazy.  I’m hoping a deep-tissue rub will make it all better.  Oh, and you’ll probably want to avoid my big toe.  There’s some yellow goop leaking out from under it, and it smells really bad.  Do you have any rubber gloves?”

 Specialty Soaps

[As the pimped-up sales girl steps in front of me with her tray of neatly arranged soap slices]  “Wow that looks yummy [taking a bite].  Bleck!  That’s awful – not yummy at all! [spit the chunk out on her tray] Are you trying to make me sick?  Why would you sell this stuff?  Have you even tasted it?  It totally explains why you’re still working the kiosk, you’re severely lacking in your product knowledge.”