Jon Malstrom | Authentic Ramblings

Have you ever uttered the words, “Wow, now I think I’ve seen it all”? This post reflects my “seen it all” observations of ridiculous men’s room antics.  About three years ago I started keeping a list of all the quirky, disgusting, downright strange behavior I’ve observed. 
I know it’s a total guy thing to drop your inhibitions once you cross the border into the safe zone of the men’s room, but sometimes you see things in there that are not even socially acceptable, well, in there.  This is my list, as of today.  

I acknowledge that you may be offended by what I’ve written, especially if it hits close to home.  Welcome to my world.  You’ve offended me for years.  Allow me to take it a step further and issue you a challenge.  I’ve heard it said that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit – if you recognize any of the behaviors below as your own, please white-knuckle it for three weeks and STOP these dirty deeds!

• The Cell Phone Talker.

It amazes me when I see a guy walk into the men’s room, reach for the buzzing phone in his front pocket, fish it out, and actually answer it.  Then proceed to do what he came there to do, while making small talk.  Does he really think the person on the other end can’t figure out he’s in the bathroom?  If the echo bouncing off the ceramic tile walls doesn’t give it away, all the farting, splashing, and flushing will.  Am I to applaud his self-assured cockiness, or deride his social ineptness?  If you see my caller ID pop up while you’re in there, press the button and send me to voicemail, bro.

• The Awkward Conversationalist.

This dude shows complete and wanton disregard for the Guy Bathroom Code.  He sidles up to the urinal next to you, looks you in the eye, and proceeds to tell you all about his weekend, the meeting he just left, and where he’s going for lunch.  I don’t think I have to tell you that we hate this.  We’re standing there for one reason and do not need to be entertained for the thirty seconds it takes.  Please save it for your female co-workers.  We have established those boundaries for a purpose.

• The Business Talker.

I hate those situations where I’m forced into an uncomfortable bathroom discussion about why I can’t seem to keep my latest project on budget.  When my boss and I leave a meeting together and I see him start to follow me down the hall, I know I’m in for it.  Do I do the quick dodge at the last minute and just keep on walking past the door, or suck it up and enter the interrogation room?  Seriously, if I wanted to combine business with doing my business, I’d suggest they install several urinals in a corner of the Board Room.

• The Colgate Junkie.

Who are you really trying to impress?  Unless you have a habitual problem with getting green slimy pieces of spinach stuck between your front teeth, leave the toothbrush at home.  I don’t care whether you have a sparkly smile or not.  Hey, here’s a thought – why not gargle with a little Listerine instead?  It kills the germs that cause bad breath.

• The Norelco Santa.

You leave really bad gifts.  I’m so tired of finding your little black stubble hairs sprinkled around the rim of the sink like snowflakes from hell.  Can you seriously not find an extra five minutes at home to shave before driving to the office?  At the very least, dude, splash some water around to make it look like you care about not being disgusting.  If I start to find your toenail clippings in the mix I’m definitely reporting you.  There are plenty of things best done in the privacy of your own home. Please do not bring any of those into the workplace.

• The Poppie.

[Yes, another shameless Seinfeld reference.] If you notice me avoiding you in meetings or in the hallway, it’s because I saw you exit the stall and then immediately exit the restroom.  Bro!  After you do some business in the bathroom, wash your hands.  Let’s just accept the fact that most commercial toilet paper isn’t of the highest quality.  At some point your finger’s going to go through it.  Please wash.  With soap.  Vigorously. 

• The Mysterious Artiste.

I’ve noticed two genres of disgusting bathroom art, each differentiated by their canvas and medium.  You’ll typically find this artwork in airport or sports stadium restrooms (rather than the Louvre).

I call the first genre the “Booger Wipe.”  You’ll notice this work on the tile wall directly in front of your urinal.  Sometimes (for dramatic effect maybe?) the artist may introduce a strategically placed clump of stiff black hairs rising out of the center of the composition.

The other genre is pretty self-explanatory, but I call it the “Poop Smear.”  It’s found on just about every toilet seat in the room and is so common that it’s almost pedestrian.  I’m in awe of the raw talent here and my mind is spinning trying to figure out the technique, how it gets from its place of origin to that purposefully placed location on the seat.  There are some pretty serious mental and emotional barriers I’d have to violate to create this masterpiece.

• The Phantom Dumper.

I’m convinced this person follows me from job to job.  He’s omnipresent but never seen.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been foiled by this character.  Sometimes while I’m getting my day started at the office, the peaceful enjoyment of my third cup of coffee is shattered by an overpowering and urgent need.  I make a lunge down the hall to the bathroom, pull back the door of the stall, and there’s his calling card, in all its glory.  “Curses!  The Phantom Dumper was here!”  With the toilet hopelessly stopped up and my time running out, I lurch upstairs to the next closest bathroom, praying for a PD-free experience.

• The Vacationer.

This guy apparently likes to relax for hours in the stall.  (Yeah, let’s go with that.  There was this one time when I thought I heard a whispered, “What’re you wearing?”).  Sometimes I’ll make a stop before a meeting and an hour later I still see the same set of shoes under the door, and the same black cloud of stink hovering over the top.

• The Ecstatic Reliever.

I get a little uncomfortable when I’m standing next to a guy who’s enjoying the peeing experience just a little too much.  It’s a full-on “When Harry Met Sally” kind of show. He moans, “Aahhhhhh.  Woo!  Shewww….mmmmmm” while repeatedly slapping the wall in front of him.  I’ve peed on my shoe a few times trying to get out of this awkward situation.  I feel so dirty afterward.

• The Macho Backfirer.

I find myself psychoanalyzing the guy who walks up, unzips, then blasts the room with several really long and loud farts.  Is this like a macho thing?  Does it serve to prove his manhood?  Did I miss some unwritten Guy Rule that includes a provision for stinking up the space solely reserved for number 1?  Is it justified in his mind because it’s “contained” in the Men’s Room?  And how do you maintain a respectful attitude if this individual is your boss (and if he’s reading this, that has never happened)?  These are the questions I have.

• The Stinky Pete.

Seriously dude, what have you been eating?  A pound of broccoli?  The entire buffet from Mumbai Palace?  Did you just sample your way through World of Cheese?  Are you sick?  I’m tired of doing a 360 right back out the door once I recognize your shoes.  Please get some help.

Have you been a victim of any of these characters?  What’s the most deviant behavior you’ve observed in the Men’s Room (keep it at least PG)?