What Are You Hiding?
As much as I deeply desire to be true to myself and in what I reveal to those around me, and as much as I want to be authentic, I find that many times I’m just not. This is a frustrating realization. How can I stand behind a blog named “Authentic Ramblings” and still live with my guard up so much of the time? Why do I still feel the need to throw up a mask to disguise who I really am?
I’ve spent the last several years really diving into these issues, and praying for a better understanding of what drives my need for a cover-up. It seems to come down to three somewhat related reasons. These three issues always seem to resonate loudly with other guys with whom I have honest, open, trusting friendships. I believe they speak to our identity as men, and ultimately can be answered and resolved through our relationship with Christ.
Do they resonate with you? Can you relate?
- Insecurity. Sometimes I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. When I’ve been out in the sun too long it gets tight and itchy and I have to scratch in embarrassing places. Metaphorically, though, I don’t feel like I measure up to other men around me. I find myself humiliated by my perceived lack of career progression, disappointed by my lack of recognized gifting or ability, or paralyzed by my discounted view of my life’s contribution. My insecurity causes me to withdraw, to hide, and shame is the predominant emotion that surfaces.
- Fear of rejection. If I’m honest with myself, I know who I really am and what I’m made of. My insecurity often throws me into self-evaluation mode where I view my weaknesses, deficiencies, and worth through a supremely critical lens. Doubts, fears, and anxiety creep in and whack off my self-confidence at the knees. My fear usually leads me to make up stories in my head. This fiction is definitely not authored by Nicholas Sparks, but is more in the style of Edgar Alan Poe or Dean Koontz with a little bit of Dave Barry in the mix. “I know I’m worthless, so why would anyone want to be my friend or spend time with me? I don’t even want to be around me, so I’m sure they don’t either.” I usually react in one of two ways: I over-compensate and pretend to be someone that I imagine people would like, or I retreat prematurely to avoid the anticipated pain of rejection. Either way, this is not being authentic.
- Pride. Men can be powerfully motivated by pride. We want to save face, we have a need to be viewed as strong and capable (especially by our wives and kids) and we want to be seen as conquerors. But let’s be honest. Sometimes life just gets you down and you feel more like Pee Wee Herman than Maximus from Gladiator. Pride will cause us to be defensive, to deny what we’re really feeling, and again – to pretend we’re someone we’re not, so we don’t “look bad.”
When I remind myself to go back to Scripture to see what God says about these issues, I get a completely different perspective of my value and worth:
- God says I can be secure and at peace because I do measure up: “…since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.” (Romans 5:1)
- God says He will never reject me because He’s accepted me: “…accept each other just as Christ has accepted you…” (Romans 15:7)
- God says that I have no need to save face because in Him I am complete: “So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.” (Colossians 2:10)
Great insight and authenticity, Jon! I think Colossians 1:27 seems appropriate for all of us right about now: “…Christ in you, the hope of glory.”
Totally agree!
Fear of rejection for sure. Thoughts of “I’ll be discovered as an imposter and someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about” swirl around in my mind. Must, must, must, combat those thoughts with the truths in God’s word.
Well said, my friend.
#2 is a big one for me, and mainly because I get scared that if I was really authentic with the people around me that they would get weird around me. Why upset the balance?
You’re absolutely right in your comments though. And really, I think a lot of my problems in this area stem from my own fears in my head and inability to forgive myself (and the enemy) than from what might actually happen if I were authentic. This is something I have struggled with myself lately.
Prolly my biggest issue as well. I’ll be writing more about that topic in the future. Thanks for commenting Russ!
I try not to think about this topic, but thanks to you I may have some pondering to do….. What are friends for. Right??
[...] = 'wpp-254'; var addthis_config = {"data_track_clickback":true};Last week I wrote a post describing reasons why I believe men tend to be inauthentic. I got some great feedback, especially about the idea that we hide behind a fear of rejection. [...]