Jon Malstrom | Authentic Ramblings

During the past few months I’ve been fighting some depression.  I’ve been irritable, non-communicative, uninterested in most aspects of life, and just plain bothered.  It’s felt like a giant smothering weight pressing on my chest.  I know I’m driving my wife crazy and she’s been worried about me.  So have my closest friends.  As I struggle to figure out what’s going on, to identify the root issue, I’m realizing that there are several layers to the situation.

Perhaps the most obvious catalyst for my current emotional state has been the dreaded anticipation leading up to today, my 45^th birthday.  For whatever reason, that number has been looming in front of me like an iceberg in the North Atlantic or a menacing, dark thunder cell on the horizon.  While it’s not the milestone that 40 was, I feel exponentially older than I did five years ago.  Not necessarily older physically, but older in terms of what I’ll call “opportunity expectancy.”  Some researchers estimate that 45 marks the mid-point of many men’s lives, half their life expectancy.  It’s not this life expectancy situation that’s got me jacked up; I know there are no guarantees and only God knows the number of my days.  It’s my perceived lack of opportunity expectancy that’s got me spinning.  

Please don’t misunderstand my intent:  I love my wife and my kids with all my heart and wouldn’t trade a single minute I’ve spent with them as husband and father.  But as a man, God created in me a desire to conquer, to seek adventure, and to take risks.  When I look back on my life so far, I feel like I’ve played it too safe.  I feel like I should have achieved so much more – in my career, pursuit of my dreams, or doing a big thing for God.  I’ve stood on the sidelines watching while life passed me by.    

I’m also beginning to recognize that some of my feelings of failure originate from my habit of constantly comparing myself to others and to my perception of their successes and achievements.  This keeps me bound and unable to move forward.  The Compare Snare is entirely non-productive, and yet I find myself trapped by it all the time.  I torture myself with the “What Ifs” and the “Whys,” feeling like I never measure up.  

Why can’t I be more decisive and commanding at work like that guy?  Why didn’t I get the promotion instead of her?  How come I’m not running a company like my friends from college?  Why, God, didn’t you give me the gift of a great singing voice like him?  What if I had that kind of outgoing personality?  Wouldn’t people like me more? 

Even when co-workers or customers affirm me for a contribution I’ve made at work, or my friends say nice things when I’ve written something that made them laugh, I find it hard to receive those compliments.  I just can’t believe anything I do is really worthy enough to “matter.” 

So here I am at 45, feeling like I forgot about my dreams somewhere along the way.  I haven’t honored the potential God placed in me and I’ve let fear paralyze me and stall me out.  It’s like I took my eyes off God and His plan for me and I’ve been wandering aimlessly in the desert for quite a while.  Now I feel like it’s too late.  I’ve missed my opportunity to make my mark, to have a significant impact.  If I wanted to follow a dream or take a risk, this just doesn’t seem to be the right time to do it.  I’ve got to focus on planning for retirement, putting the kids through college, and saving for weddings, right? 

In the midst of this confusion, disappointment, and self-pity, God’s been revealing some exciting things to me and gradually changing my perspective of reality.  Actually, I believe He’s been speaking to me all along but I wasn’t yet ready to hear him.  Here’s what I think He’s saying:  

 “I’ve given you some awesome traveling companions for the journey” – God has blessed me with the most amazing, wise, insightful, beautiful woman I could have ever dreamed of having for a wife.  She challenges me, speaks straight to me, constantly encourages me, believes in me, and loves me despite my weaknesses (and she knows them all).  She’s the president of my fan club. 

I also have a few really incredible men in my life who would do anything for me.  I’ve authentically shared my deepest sin issues, struggles, pain, and regrets with them and they haven’t stopped loving me.  In fact, I think they love me even more now that they know the real me.  Amazing and unexpected.

“I created you uniquely and for a unique purpose” – My traveling companions keep reminding me that God fashioned me to be only who I am, not anybody else.  Aligning my desires, hopes, and dreams with what God says about me and who He says I am is vital.  Striving to be someone I’m not dishonors the One who created me in His own image.  I’m still in the process of coming to terms with how God made me and internalizing and valuing my unique gifts and talents.  I believe the process of living out my purpose starts with first accepting that I can’t be anybody but who I am.  And who I am can be used by God in a mighty way. 

 “In every situation there are tradeoffs” – Success has a price.  As frustrating and unfulfilling as my job can be, it affords me quite a bit of flexibility.  I’ve needed that flexibility during the past five years, a critical time when my focus had to be on other areas of my personal life.  I needed a lower-stress career situation so that I could give some significant attention to my children and marriage, service to my church, and my own spiritual growth.  A high-pressure, all-consuming job would have prevented this and quite possibly cost me everything.  God orchestrated these circumstances for the purposes of healing and restoration. 

“Everybody’s got their stuff” – When I’m lured into the Compare Snare, I remind myself that nobody really has it all together.  No matter how good things look on the outside, behind the curtain there’s stuff that all of us deal with.  Your stuff may be different than my stuff and possibly more well-hidden, but it’s there.  

I’ve learned to reach out and try to develop personal friendships with those that I admire or envy.  Getting to know someone on a deeper relational level helps to demystify my perceptions and introduce a measure of authentic relationship.  I find this connection then paves the way for genuine empathy.  In the end, I find we’re not that different. 

 “It’s never too late to start” – I’ve enjoyed the process of writing for as long as I can remember.  It’s a creative outlet for me and sometimes I feel like I express myself better in writing than I do in conversation.  I never took the time, however, to dream about what God might want to do with that gift and I never developed it beyond the business writing I do in my job.  A few months ago a friend began encouraging me to write and develop my talent.  He suggested blogging and even helped me to get this site started.  I absolutely love this process!  I don’t have a clue where any of it might lead; I’m just taking it one blog post at a time.  I may be getting a late start with this, but another friend reminded me that James Michener was 40 before he published his first novel, Tales of the South Pacific. 

Lisa and me celebrating my 40th birthday in Key West. Does the spray-on tattoo make me look dangerous?

I’m really not a huge fan of country music, but for some reason I’ve been listening to Danny Gokey’s CD, My Best Days, during my commute.  The chorus of the title song encourages me and seems to sum it up — my best days are ahead of me! 

Age ain’t nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But hey I’m still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me 

My Best Days are Ahead of Me, Danny Gokey, My Best Days, 2010