Jon Malstrom | Authentic Ramblings

I’ve been pondering the concept of authenticity a lot lately. 
A couple of years ago my church started a project to clarify its vision and mission.  That lengthy (and sometimes painful) process produced a series of core values that define why we do the things we do.  The most intriguing for me has been the core value of “Unexpected Authenticity.” 
I’ve been turning this over and around in my mind for quite a while, attempting to come to grips with what it means for me and how to live it out.  It’s a tough concept and I haven’t really wanted to embrace it.  I guess it’s natural to leap to the conclusion that being authentic just means being more honest. But to me, it’s more about being true to myself in all aspects of my existence and acting in a way that’s consistent with my core beliefs, values, feelings, and identity.

When I recently decided to get serious about writing and made the commitment to blog, I needed a name for my virtual plot of land on the Web.  I eventually landed on “Authentic Ramblings.”  If you’ve read any of my stuff, you no doubt get the “rambling” aspect, but I want to unpack the “authentic” part a little more.

I’ve lived much of my life pinned beneath the weight of towering expectations.  Some are imposed by others, some are imagined “stories” I create in my head about what I think others expect of me, but most are prisons of despair I create and impose on myself.  Deep down inside I recognize there’s a discontinuity between my own expectations of who I should be, and the reality of who I know I really am.  This tension in my soul fuels the feelings of despair.  When I’m really honest with myself, I know I don’t have it all together and I can’t be the man that I pressure myself to be.  The expectations are just too high.

This scenario kicks me into a very unhealthy cycle.  There’s a natural friction between my desire to conform and avoid the disapproval and criticism of others, and the internal recognition that I really can’t meet all the demands placed on me.  I seek to reconcile these emotions by pretending to be someone I’m really not.  I become a counterfeit, an actor wearing a mask, someone very different from the man God created me to be.  And I hate myself for it.

This cycle of pretending isn’t always obvious or overt and it’s usually manifested in little betrayals.  I might remain silent during controversial conversations even when I have strong conflicting opinions. I may pretend to be a fan of World Cup Soccer by nodding and mumbling an enthusiastic “mmm hmmm!” even though I’m not really interested and don’t follow the sport.  These examples may seem minor when viewed individually, but it’s the consistent pattern of “image maintenance” that becomes dangerous.

Overwhelming anxiety, fear, and self-consciousness overtake me when I’m not living authentically and resting in my true identity.  Ultimately, I know this fear is rooted in a lack of faith and an unwillingness to believe that who I am in Christ Jesus is enough.  Living authentically is essential for my spiritual health.

Is true authenticity easy?  It’s not for me, and this has been an extremely difficult post to write.  I’ve agonized for days over how much to say, what to reveal, how far to put myself out there.  Living authentically feels risky.  When I drop the mask, I’m compelled to expose my weaknesses, insecurities, and disappointments.  I open myself up to criticism and feelings of disapproval.  Experience is showing me, however, that the rewards far outweigh the risks.  It’s freedom.

Writing about my thoughts and experiences in this blog is a cathartic method for processing my journey to authenticity.  My use of self-deprecating humor in the approach is a continual reminder to me not to take myself so seriously, which in turn helps me to live more comfortably in my own skin. 

I’m definitely on a life-long journey.  It’s not a twitch-your-nose and “poof” you’re there kind of deal (yes, I’m a child of the 70’s).  When I consistently put into practice what God is teaching me, I build up the necessary muscle memory to continue my growth.  I’m working hard to keep my foundation anchored and rooted in what God says about me and the sufficiency of His grace, not the “image” that I’ve created in my head.  Specifically, God’s word says that I am:

• His child (John 1:12, Romans 8:16)
• Christ’s friend (John 15:15)
• Loved by Him (John 16:27)
• Specifically chosen by Him (John 15:16)
• Forever free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
• Free from sin’s power over me (Romans 6:7)
• Accepted! (Romans 15:7) 

Let me hear from you! What does authenticity mean to you?  What are your challenges with living authentically?