Archive for the ‘Travel’ Category
Ever since I turned 40 and read John Eldridge’s Wild at Heart, I seem to have this need for adventure. For challenging myself beyond my normal routine. For living on the edge (not the edge of glory like Lady Gaga – that’s just gross). I’ve lived a pretty conservative, “safe” life up to this point, but now I want to party like Bear Grylls. Just short of drinking my own urine.
I got a taste of some of this kind of adventure on my summer vacation. I rode the longest zipline in the world over open water, conquered a surfing wave simulator, and went surfing for real in the ocean off West Palm Beach. I’m a realist, however. I know there are basic limitations on what I’ll actually be able to do, mostly because I have two kids to put through college and adventure tends to be expensive. So here are a few activities from my ultimate bucket list, tempered with some realistic but less-wild substitutions.
Super Rad Adventure |
Kinda Lame Substitution |
|---|---|
| Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Just being Down Under is amazing, but climbing the Bridge? Sweet! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, a chance to conquer my fear of heights, and the photo ops of the Opera House are awesome. Oh – and it most definitely gives you annoying bragging rights. Especially if you spit or pee over the side like the Aussies do. | Climb onto my roof to clean the gutters. I would never do this, as my wife will confirm. I’m lazy. But I would call our “guy” Kevin to come and do it and I would watch from the front yard. |
| Hike to Everest Base Camp. How much more exotic, legendary, and dangerous can it get? Now I could have said “Summit Mount Everest” but honestly I don’t want to die. I’ll pull back on the adventure a bit and just hang out at base camp with those preparing for their ascent, while placing bets on which climbers will actually return from the Top of the World. | Ride Expedition Everest at Disney World. I’ve actually done this, multiple times. Disney makes it feel like you’re actually in Katmandu, “hiking” through the endless queue to get to the mine train to take you to the summit. It’s not as authentic as the real thing, but at least you don’t need supplemental oxygen or those mummy sleeping bags. |
| Sail around the world in a luxury catamaran. What could be better than exploring stimulating ports of call, falling asleep to the rocking of the waves, battling the forces of nature (storms, shark attacks, diarrhea), and blogging about the whole experience from internet cafes in Instanbul, Papeete, and Hong Kong? Jealous yet? | Ride the Boardwalk Beast at Kemah. On the way to Galveston (the closest lame beach we Houstonians have) is the Kemah Boardwalk. Developers have turned this into a sort of entertainment district with restaurants, bars, and “attractions.” One of these is the Beast – a high-speed thrill boat that takes you four miles into Galveston Bay, revs up to 40 MPH, and sprays gallons sea water on you from your head to your toenails. Nasty. |
| Compete on Celebrity Apprentice. Oh I can go head-to-head with The Donald. Make no mistake. I’ll be the guy with the idea to design and sell Gucci Latex pants, targeted to workers in Manhattan’s Meat Packing district who want to look stylish while eliminating those pesky blood-spatter stains that permanently ruin fabric. If the idea flops, I’ll cleverly blame it on Charo. Do I even need a reason? And why do I qualify as a celebrity? I’m the guy with 10 million hits to a viral YouTube video where I’m caught peeing off the Sydney Harbour Bridge. |
Compete in a Chili Cook-off. I make good chili. It’s my own special recipe with lots of secret ingredients like brown sugar, Gatorade, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Whoops – dang it! Now I have to invent a new recipe. |
What’s on your bucket list?
The wonderful folks at Royal Caribbean provided us several opportunities to turn over lots of our money to them so that we could experience some action-packed adventure. I chose to partake of the Zippity Doo-da Zip Line Extravaganza Package. This package included a sail across the ship on its very own Boardwalk Zip Line (“free”), coupled with a much longer (48 seconds) and faster (55-60 MPH) zip on the Dragon’s Breath Flightline ($100) on their private Haitian beach area of Labadee.
I learned some important Zip Line man lessons during these experiences. Guys, if you should ever choose to take up this hobby, my list will serve you well. At the very least it will help you avoid some really embarrassing moments. And it will guarantee you the title of Greatest American Hero. Believe it or not.
Wear a cup. In both zip line scenarios you are cinched into a harness that stretches from your backside through your legs and buckles in front. I was lucky enough to get rigged up by the feminist crew member with men issues who apparently groomed her leg hair to the angry melody of an Ani DiFranco CD before taking her shift.
Do not scream. There was plenty of screaming going on during both zip line rides. By lots of dudes. The Dragon’s Breath is steep, fast, long, and intense, so that one is a little more understandable. But the one on the ship is, well, weenie. Do not scream like a little girl during this nine second flight. Someone in your family is video-taping the experience and you will immediately forfeit your mancard when it hits YouTube. Watch my videos below for examples of raw and studly testosterone-induced skill. Not only did I engulf myself in complete manly silence, but I video recorded the whole Dragon’s Breath experience all the way down. My mancard is poster-sized.
- Assume the Torpedo position. Depending on your weight and the wind conditions, the crew will instruct you to take a certain position on your descent. Apparently we had a quite a tail wind on the Dragon’s Breath so they insisted we “Starfish” down (legs spread, arms and hands open wide) to slow the ride. Don’t let them force you to Starfish! I figure I maxed my speed out at only about 50 MPH in this position. Once you leave the platform at the top, there’s nothing they can do to prevent you from switching to full-on Torpedo position – body reclined, arms by your side, legs out and crossed at the ankles. I think I could’ve gotten up to 65 MPH this way if I had defied the Croatian crewmember giving me instruction. I could always blame it on the language barrier. You will have a rougher landing after Torpedo, so read my last tip below.
- Do not waddle. Once you are unharnessed and lowered out of the zip contraption, you will undoubtedly be sore in your nether regions. You’ll then be tempted to favor said regions by walking like a penguin. This makes you vulnerable, and that Ani DiFranco crew member is waiting for you. Man up and walk tall.
Are you a Torpedo or Starfish kind of person? Why?
Read my first impressions of Allure of the Seas here.
One of the cool features of the Royal Caribbean Oasis-class ships is the Flowrider surf simulator. The line actually debuted this feature on their smaller Freedom-class ships, but in keeping with the decadent RCCL philosophy of “bigger and more is better,” the Oasis and Allure of the Seas have two Flowriders. One is dedicated to boogie-boarding, the other to stand-up surfing.
I had decided even before leaving home that I was definitely going to try this new experience. If you know me at all (or have read a few of my posts here at Authentic Ramblings), you’re no doubt aware that I do not like to feel humiliated. I mean really – who does, right? I anticipated the considerable probability of a humiliating experience since I was a Flowrider virgin. Hey, I’m a Texas boy. Surfing is not in the culture here, although we Texans are very proud of our “bigger is better” reputation.
My first step was observation. My family and I wandered over to the boogie-board Flowrider area of the back Sports Deck and I sized up my opponent by circling the surfing apparatus like a heavy-weight champion evaluating Mike Tyson. This machine creates “waves” by thrusting tsunamis of water up from the bottom of the surf hill with the force of a 747 jet on take-off. I was a little afraid of chafing, but I quickly locked that fear away.
The demographic in line to ride the wave was fairly intimidating – athletic teenage guys with rippling abs and surfer vocabulary. I waited for the right opportunity, then strategically jumped in line behind the 55 year-old woman with the bat tattoo flying out of her swimsuit top. Following her was my best shot at saving face.
While I waited for my turn, I had ample opportunity to observe technique. I made mental notes of things to do, and things not to do:
- DO ensure that your board shorts are cinched tight and secure. The above-mentioned rocket force of the water can strip them clean off if you’re not prepared. As a side note, board shorts are an interesting anomaly in that they are not constructed for support. I’m just not comfortable going commando under these things because I tend to cross my legs a lot, so I wear a Speedo underneath to keep everything concealed and in order. Even so, I did not want to endure a Big Reveal of the said Speedo – does anybody really want to see a middle-aged man in one of these? I think not.
- DON’T be a hero. Attempting acrobatics on the board generally leads to a very short ride. Once you wipe out, the rocket-force of the water spits you right back up to the top and then the Nazi-like crew members kick you out. There is no second chance.
- DON’T launch yourself. The Nazis teach you to hold the edge of the board against your belly-button and then throw yourself down onto the wave. Emphasis on throw, not thrust. I watched way too many ahead of me fly off the edge like Aquaman wannabes and sail right over the exit mat at the bottom of the pool. Game over.
I knew I was in trouble when I finally got to the top of the line and watched Bat Woman ride the waves like a dolphin on illegal steroids. After ten minutes of her cirque de soleil antics, the crew-Nazis tapped her to get out. Then I walked out to the starting gate to receive my instruction. My particular crew helper dude happened to be Australian, and even though he spoke “English” I was a bit confused about what I was supposed to do.
“Awwright, mate. Your bathers secure? Ace! Now let’s see some bonzer moves! No chucking a sickie, just give it a burl. Go!”
Whateva. I flopped onto the waves and immediately went crashing into the foam rubber wall to my left. I shoved away from it a little too hard with my foot and managed to slam into the other wall on my right. Once I finally got positioned in the middle of the lane I put all my focus into just balancing to stay on the board. I finally wiped out while trying a “bonzer move” – getting up on my knees. The jet force washed me back up to the top and I swaggered off.
I have to say, I was feeling like a real stud. Until I watched the video that my daughter shot on my iPhone. Oh my lord! What a doofus. In the spirit of authenticity and full disclosure, I’ve posted that video below. Note the hot dog show-off in the next lane doing flips while I try to un-wedge myself from the rubber wall. I actually took four more turns at the Flowrider and on the last two I got up on my knees. My technique had greatly improved. Unfortunately and predictably, my daughter was bored by this time and had quit recording. You’ll just have to trust the truth of my testimony.
What did I learn from this? My world is so much larger and more interesting when I’m willing to put aside my pride and fear and just do it! *If anyone from Nike is reading this, have your people call my people.
We returned Monday night from a week sailing on the Allure of the Seas, the world’s largest cruise ship. Maximum passenger capacity is 6,300 and we sailed with 6,200. My biggest fear with taking this cruise was the crowd factor, but it really was not an issue. The ship is so big that there’s ample space for everyone to stay out of my way. I appreciate that in a ship.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to turn this into a travel exposé series, so I’ll start today with some random observations about our week. More will follow in the next few days, if you’re brave or stupid enough to continue reading.
Lots of Europeans, lots of tattoos. I’m not sure what it is about the European culture that fosters body art, but we saw it everywhere. And by everywhere I mean all around the ship and all around the bodies. Europeans also like their Speedos which gives them ample opportunity to showcase some pretty edgy artwork. I found myself with a severe case of tattoo-envy by the end of the week, but my wife continued to put the kibosh on that idea. I could have easily gotten a dolphin or a starfish on my inner thigh in Cozumel for about $20, but nooooo…. She always reminds me of the aging factor with tattoos. I’ll have to admit I’ve seen quite a few 60-ish women with giant bats flying out of their cleavage. Thirty years ago they were butterflies. My argument in favor of my own personal tattoo? I’m 45 – my skin is already wrinkly. Now’s the perfect time to get that mid-life etching. How much more distorted can it really get? 
Hello Kitty Hell. She was everywhere. In the shops, on the restaurant menus, in the elevators, even sitting on the Starbucks counter. There was even a Hello Kitty Drink of the Day (it was pink with lots of whipped cream). Truly the most disturbing part of this insane Kitty-ness was the adult women (and one or two men) sporting all manner of “designer” cat-wear. While ziplining on the world’s longest zipline over open water in Labadee, Haiti, I had to fly next to a 50-something woman wearing a tight pink t-shirt with a bedazzled Hello Kitty emblazoned from breast to breast. It was all I could do to keep from unhooking my carabiner mid-plunge to escape her insane screaming and giggling. - The Food Factor. This observation has nothing to do with the quantity or variety of food available on this massive ship. It’s about the natural consequences of 24-hour availability of “free” grub. I believe it was Newton (or maybe Einstein) who developed the Law of Free Food: If you make it available, people will eat it. Lots of it. Non-stop. This makes for a challenging plumbing situation. If you are considering work on ships, do not sign up for a facilities maintenance job. I couldn’t walk down a stateroom corridor without seeing at least one of these poor guys with a wall panel removed trying to unplug a sewage hose. Cruise ship toilets are operated by vacuum suction and can be quite temperamental. We even had some problems with our own bathroom toilet, but I will not name the culprit.
Hello Neighbor. The Allure of the Seas is so large that the designers split it up into what they call “neighborhoods.” There’s Central Park with live trees and plants, restaurants, and shops, the Boardwalk with a hand-carved carousel, Entertainment Place with the ubiquitous ice rink, a comedy club, and the main show theater, and the Sports Zone with the pools, hot tubs, Flowriders, and basketball court, just to name a few. Royal Caribbean even took it to a spiritual level when they printed gift-shop t-shirts with a spin on the words of Jesus: “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORhood.” Some passengers really got into the concept. They said “howdy” when you passed them in a corridor, complained about the tacky anniversary and birthday posters on stateroom doors (“It’s totally bringing down our property value…”), and organized Night Out events to help deter the noisy antics of the hoards of roaming teens. I was very patient in tolerating this ludicrosity until the dude in the cabin next to us wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. I may have broken his nose when I slammed the door.
I need some advice about how to get my wife to let me have a tattoo. Any ideas?
About a week ago we booked our summer vacation: a cruise on the brand-new Allure of the Seas from Royal Caribbean. This ship is HUGE and amazing. It’s currently the largest cruise ship in the world (a scant 5cm longer than her twin sister, Oasis of the Seas). Here are some of the WOW features we’ll experience:
- A maximum passenger capacity of 6,318
- 16 decks high
- Seven “neighborhoods,” including longer-than-a-football-field Central Park with live plants and trees, and a Boardwalk area with a full-size carousel
Read more
