Archive for the ‘Totally Random Friday’ Category
Today’s Totally Random Friday edition comes courtesy of my friend Andrew and his five favorite obsessions. Andrew hails from California (which explains a lot) and describes himself as single Yuppie White Trash. Once you read the list he challenged me with, you’ll see right away that the dude’s got issues. But the focus of today’s post is not Andrew’s kinky fetishes or his emotional stability, but a story straight from the degenerate mind of an evil genius. The Authentic Rambler.
1 - Zombie Plague, 2 - Tuna salad, 3 – Perez Hilton, 4 – Martha Stewart, 5 – Canadian mafia
Oftentimes the most unlikely scenarios create the best “Chick Flick” moments. And once in a SuperMoon, the most unlikely individuals come together as a Power Couple that would completely blow Perez Hilton’s gossipy pin-head off his shoulders.
This is a tale as old as time, a tune as old as song. It’s Sleepless in Seattle meets Carlito’s Way. This is the love story of Canadian Mafia don Vito Rizzuto and America’s naughtiest homemaker, Martha Stewart.
The power pair met in 2004 while sharing adjacent cells in a Federal Pen. Vito was immediately caught off-guard by her fetching beauty in an orange jumpsuit and Martha was swooningly turned on by the large scar tracing its near-deadly path from Vito’s scalp to his left nipple. It may not have been love at first sight, but it was certainly a dangerous attraction.
Their courtship began innocently enough, with late-night games of “Teflon Don’s” favorite pastime, Zombie Plague, through the bars between their cells. This was always followed by a crafty pursuit, usually a hearty round of flower arranging or napkin folding. Martha was terrible at Zombie Plague, always getting her head squished and eaten by a zombie before the end of the first round. Likewise, Vito was abysmal at arranging greenery (not even Herman Munster would have bought his creations) and folding napkins (reminiscent of wadded-up towel animals). But for whatever reason, the relationship worked.
It worked at least until the Tuna Salad Incident. Vito insisted on bribing his henchmen to smuggle single-serving sized cans of Acme Albatross Tuna inside chocolate soufflés smuggled in by Martha’s PR Agent (he was addicted to tuna salad sandwiches, and she was addicted to a better standard of living). This became a huge problem for Martha. Vito’s henchmen ruined her precious soufflés by digging their beefy hands into the center to hide the tuna cans (a fallen soufflé is a HUGE no-no if you’re familiar with Martha), and the tuna made the yummy chocolate flavor take on a very distinct off-brand fishiness which caused her delicate stomach to blow chunks all over her 2,000 thread count sheets draped across her prison cot. The tuna also made the don’s breath smell horrid, inhibiting the continued blossoming of their romance.
Martha broke it off with Vito shortly before she was released from prison in 2005. She has since gone into the Witness Protection Program, making the world a safer place for the less-crafty. For more insight into the physical aspects of the Marthito romance, you’ll need to click here. We are honorable journalists who don’t cover smut stories.
Today’s five random words come courtesy of my friend Dan. Dan is a complex guy who likes Piña Coladas, getting caught in the rain, the feel of the ocean, and the taste of Mexican beer. Check him out on Twitter – he needs some more followers.
1 – Cloud, 2 – iPhone, 3 – Cactus, 4 – Cold Medicine, 5 – Free-fall
Eugene and KeKe are a rather unlikely pair. KeKe is tall, blonde, gorgeous, and recently crowned Space Queen. Eugene is a foot shorter than KeKe (and so are his pants), he can’t see a foot in front of him without his Coke-bottle horned-rims, and he smells a little funny. But he’s smart – smarter even than KeKe’s decision to enroll in Beauty School. Their romance is an odd fairy-tale, a Disney-like classic that might be called Dumb-Belle and the Dwenius.
Last Wednesday KeKe picked up her new iPhone 4 from a spazimodo at the mall Apple Store. She was in a hurry because Wet Seal had bras on sale, so she declined the genius’s offer to set up her new phone. When she got home, she realized she didn’t know how to turn it on. Eugene was coming over later to teach her to record shows on her DVR, so she decided to kill those two birds with one nerd.
Read more
Today’s five random words (a mixture of average, somewhat uncommon, and downright uncommon) come to you courtesy of my favorite Random Word Generator website. I’ll have to put my research skilz to good use, because I have no idea what more than half of these words mean. I is dumb.
1 – Careen, 2 - Nonce, 3 – Chiffonier, 4 – Houseboat, 5 – Mollusk
Leroy and Tristan carefully planned a spring get-away to the Okefenokee Swamp in Georgia. Okefenokee has recently become the cool hillbilly mecca of the moment, and they did not want to miss out. Leroy and Tristan are not “partners,” there’s not even a hint of a bromance going on. They just have the same passionate hobby – mollusk gathering from the deck of a houseboat that’s made from oil barrels and plywood. In certain hillbilly communities of North Georgia (and a few in South Carolina), houseboat-mollusk-gathering has become a very competitive sport. Whoever gathers the most poundage of muddy gastropods from the bottom of the swamp wins the chance to wrestle an alligator. There are a lot of one-armed mollusk-gathering winners in Georgia.
Read more
Today’s five random (and quite challenging) words were texted to me under duress from my friend James. He undoubtedly thinks I will cave on this one. I might, but only in the sense that I’m listening to Mumford & Sons while I write this. It will happen. It’s on.
1 – Ukelele, 2 - Philanthropist, 3 – Adoration, 4 – Kinesiology, 5 – Canon
Those of you who are children of the 60’s or 70’s might remember a like totally awesome (wait – I think that’s an 80’s reference?) performer named Tiny Tim. He was an extremely talented ukulele player, and much like a ventriloquist with a wooden dummy, Tiny Tim was a philanthropist with a miniature banjo. Not a philanthropist in the sense that he endowed large sums of money to the less fortunate, but a philanthropist who shared his rather strange and wonderful falsetto singing talents with millions. Who could ever forget his rendition of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on Laugh-in (see video below)?
His fans were completely filled with adoration for the man (used loosely), although many thought he was boocoo dinky dow. For instance, only those closest to him knew about his strange obsession with kinesiology. He would spend most evenings on the floor of his guest bathroom, grabbing his feet and flexing his legs back and forth while singing “I Got You Babe” a crapella. Unfortunately his hands were occupied, preventing him from playing the ukulele while practicing his kinesiology. Musical instruments always took a secondary backseat while he watched the muscles expand and contract with each movement. He especially enjoyed twitching his little toes in sync with the chorus.
Tiny Tim’s repertoire has literally become part of the canon of weirdatomic-falsetto-ukelele-60’s-tunes. He literally has a town named after him in Holland. There’s even a rumor that Justin Bieber is in the studio literally right now, recording a remake of Tiptoe Through the Tulips. Bravo for him, this can only improve his image. Perhaps Charlie Sheen should consider taking up the ukulele.
What would you consider the weirdest music of our current day?
Read more
This week’s topic: 5 random words from my friend Jenny. I’ve always known Jenny was a creative spirit, but wow, these words have given me a new-found respect for the interesting way her mind works. Here’s this week’s totally random story build around these very unique words:
1 – Wawa goose, 2 – trinket, 3 – Cadbury egg, 4 – Ghost Busters, 5 – time machine
