Archive for the ‘Random thoughts’ Category
Ever since I turned 40 and read John Eldridge’s Wild at Heart, I seem to have this need for adventure. For challenging myself beyond my normal routine. For living on the edge (not the edge of glory like Lady Gaga – that’s just gross). I’ve lived a pretty conservative, “safe” life up to this point, but now I want to party like Bear Grylls. Just short of drinking my own urine.
I got a taste of some of this kind of adventure on my summer vacation. I rode the longest zipline in the world over open water, conquered a surfing wave simulator, and went surfing for real in the ocean off West Palm Beach. I’m a realist, however. I know there are basic limitations on what I’ll actually be able to do, mostly because I have two kids to put through college and adventure tends to be expensive. So here are a few activities from my ultimate bucket list, tempered with some realistic but less-wild substitutions.
Super Rad Adventure |
Kinda Lame Substitution |
|---|---|
| Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Just being Down Under is amazing, but climbing the Bridge? Sweet! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, a chance to conquer my fear of heights, and the photo ops of the Opera House are awesome. Oh – and it most definitely gives you annoying bragging rights. Especially if you spit or pee over the side like the Aussies do. | Climb onto my roof to clean the gutters. I would never do this, as my wife will confirm. I’m lazy. But I would call our “guy” Kevin to come and do it and I would watch from the front yard. |
| Hike to Everest Base Camp. How much more exotic, legendary, and dangerous can it get? Now I could have said “Summit Mount Everest” but honestly I don’t want to die. I’ll pull back on the adventure a bit and just hang out at base camp with those preparing for their ascent, while placing bets on which climbers will actually return from the Top of the World. | Ride Expedition Everest at Disney World. I’ve actually done this, multiple times. Disney makes it feel like you’re actually in Katmandu, “hiking” through the endless queue to get to the mine train to take you to the summit. It’s not as authentic as the real thing, but at least you don’t need supplemental oxygen or those mummy sleeping bags. |
| Sail around the world in a luxury catamaran. What could be better than exploring stimulating ports of call, falling asleep to the rocking of the waves, battling the forces of nature (storms, shark attacks, diarrhea), and blogging about the whole experience from internet cafes in Instanbul, Papeete, and Hong Kong? Jealous yet? | Ride the Boardwalk Beast at Kemah. On the way to Galveston (the closest lame beach we Houstonians have) is the Kemah Boardwalk. Developers have turned this into a sort of entertainment district with restaurants, bars, and “attractions.” One of these is the Beast – a high-speed thrill boat that takes you four miles into Galveston Bay, revs up to 40 MPH, and sprays gallons sea water on you from your head to your toenails. Nasty. |
| Compete on Celebrity Apprentice. Oh I can go head-to-head with The Donald. Make no mistake. I’ll be the guy with the idea to design and sell Gucci Latex pants, targeted to workers in Manhattan’s Meat Packing district who want to look stylish while eliminating those pesky blood-spatter stains that permanently ruin fabric. If the idea flops, I’ll cleverly blame it on Charo. Do I even need a reason? And why do I qualify as a celebrity? I’m the guy with 10 million hits to a viral YouTube video where I’m caught peeing off the Sydney Harbour Bridge. |
Compete in a Chili Cook-off. I make good chili. It’s my own special recipe with lots of secret ingredients like brown sugar, Gatorade, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Whoops – dang it! Now I have to invent a new recipe. |
What’s on your bucket list?
Today is June 1. The first day of summer. Yeah, I know it’s not the official first day of summer, but as far back as I can remember the first of June was always significant to the kick-off of three months of freedom. Of course that was before I grew up and had to be responsible with a penitentiary-like job and all. I found out the hard way that employers are not very sensitive to the needs of a 22-year-old who asks for time off to spend June through August at the beach. My first boss suggested that maybe I would find more satisfaction in working nine months a year in the wonderful world of public education, but I loathe kids. So no. I’ve often thought about moving to Europe where they take off the whole month of August. That could work for me. I’ll just need to learn Spanish, German, and Romanian over the next two months.
When I think about this time of year, there are certain hallmarks, events, and sensory stimuli that just scream “SUMMER!” Some are pleasant, some are just obnoxious. Here are my Top 5 summer pairings of the Gnarly and the Gnargly.
Gnarly
Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Lotion. That wonderful coconut scent has the ability to transport me back to the summer of 1977, hanging out at the Country Club pool, burning my feet on the concrete, and eating Sno Cones until my brain froze.
Gnargly
Nair for Men. It gets rid of those unwanted patches of fur, but smells like battery acid mixed with wasabi. And it stings like the very devil.
Gnarly
Summer vacations. It’s always been a big deal for me, going back to my childhood. My parents were the type into “educational” vacations, so we went to places like Washington, DC, Williamsburg, Virginia, and Las Vegas. My wife finally introduced me to the beach vacation and I’ve gotten progressively dumber ever since. No regrets.
Gnargly
School vacation. Day after day, night after night – they’re here. After the first two days, my wife and I are on completely different schedules from our kids. They sleep until noon and stay up until 3:00 AM every day. The positive? A much narrower window within which we actually have to deal with them. The negative? Trying to get some reasonable sleep while Lady Gaga pounds through the ceiling above our bed.
Gnarly
Sunshine and warmer weather. There’s nothing better than the time change and longer days, driving home from work in full afternoon sunshine with the sunroof open and the air conditioner blowing on high, and dreaming of a deserted beach on St. John. I’ve discovered a lot of haters while unleashing my sunny enthusiasm. It is not my fault that we haven’t had rain for four months and your water bill is more than your mortgage. Chill.
Gnargly
Humidity. It’s insane where I live. I step out of the shower, dry off, start to get dressed, then have to stop and dry off again. By the time I get to work I look like I’ve just taken a ride on Splash Mountain at Disney World. And I smell just as bad (have you smelled that water at Disney?). But the worst thing about humidity? Stepping out of the air-conditioned car and “Whoosh!” – the San Francisco treat all over my glasses. I feel my way to the parking garage stairs, trying to avoid the ladies in their workout clothes heading to the downstairs gym (not always successfully – awkward).
Gnarly
Summer Music. I have a plethora of songs locked in my mind that bring back the essence of summer for me: Fleetwood Mac’s Dreams, The Beach Boys’ California Girls, Christopher Cross’s Sailing, Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, Grease’s Summer Nights, and Miley Cyrus’s Party in the USA (it’s a long, shameful story). This music makes all of the gnargly things worthwhile.
Gnargly
Summer Movies. If I have to see one more Pixar 3D movie I’m going to go postal. I mean I’m going to write a letter to the editor and mail it at the post office so I’m sure it will arrive. Those stinking 3D glasses give me a headache, the storylines are old (from sequels to threequels to quadquels – how much more trouble can those toys get into?) and the food is bad. What happened to the blockbuster summer movies like Jaws, Star Wars, or Xanadu? The entertainment industry is taking a nose-dive and we like sheep are following it into a pasture of wreckage, carnage, and debris.
Gnarly
Summer clothes. I love the freedom of shorts, t-shirts, & flip flops. (Just so you know, nobody calls them “thongs” anymore, for obvious reasons.) I’ve started a campaign at work to change the dress code for the next three months. I’m calling it “Operation Show-Them-Legs.” It hasn’t gained a lot of traction, for whatever reason.
Gnargly
Summer Chafing. Cotton + humidity = the enemy. I believe it with all my soul. UnderArmour has made a ton of money off of me and my chapped thighs. You do what you have to do.
What’s on your list of the Gnarly and Gnargly of summer?
I never fail to have interesting dialogue throughout my day. Usually it amuses me, sometimes disturbs me, often it just baffles me. I’ve given up trying to ascribe meaning to some of these conversations. It’s just better to have open interpretation and let it speak for itself. A typical day in my life includes snippets* like you see below.
5:30 AM
Me: “Dang you, quit rubbing on me! I just woke up!”
Cat (not my wife): “Meowwwwwwww!”
8:30 AM
Co-workers: “We’re going to get some coffee, wanna come?”
Me: “I’VEHADSEVENCUPSALREADY BUTWOWTHATSOUNDSGOOD ICANPROBABLYUSEONEORTWOMORE!!!!”
Co-Workers: “We can’t do this anymore, dude. You need help.”
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It seems to be a common theme for me. Maybe I’m intolerant, impatient, or a jerk – I don’t really know how to define it. There are so many annoying things that drive me to the edge of the cliff. One thing in particular actually nudges me over the lip of the abyss: loud, harsh noise. A weed whacker in my backyard, the cat’s screech when my 6’3” son steps on her tail with dress shoes, or the “beep, beep, beep” that my Prius makes when I back up (if anyone knows how to disable this putrid noise, please email me).
You might go so far as calling these intense dislikes “peeves.” Peeve is becoming one of my favorite words. It’s just so weird and wonderful. Even so, I have a little bit of a mental barrier to overcome because “peeve” is so close to the word “perv.” I think you all know that pervs are definitely a peeve of mine.
There are more things that get on my nerves than can ever be mentioned in one blog post, but here are five that will truly have me reaching for my hidden blade in the side pocket of my cargo pants. I am a street disciple.
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Let’s be clear: I’m not giving you relationship advice in this post. If you actually decide to follow one or more of my suggestions below, your friends and family may commit you. To a mental health facility. Luckily I can skate right past this threat because those that know me well know exactly what to expect from me.
I’m not sure if you’d define my quirks in terms of authenticity. Unique might be a better word. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m authentically unique. Anyway, try these at your own risk. You know your friends and family better than I do and their tolerance for weirdness.
- Translate Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” into Klingon. Whenever Gaga pops up on the radio, sing your version of the song loudly and in a falsetto voice. Take note of those who actually catch and embrace the irony.
- Fill out an officious-looking template for a “Last Will and Testament,” disinheriting your kids. State that they have disappointed you greatly by not sharing your love for skeet shooting. Leave your considerable (made-up) wealth to the Starbucks Foundation for Latte Awareness. Put a “notorized” copy of your will on top of a package of Oreo cookies where the kids are sure to find it.
Start a boiled cabbage diet. There is nothing more nauseating than the smell of boiling cabbage, so you may drive your family from the house between 5:30 and 7:00 each evening. Which is fine if you need some “me time.” Cabbage plays havoc with your digestive tract so the fam may decide to rent one of those corporate motels-by-the-week.- Bring back the 80’s Valley Girl / Surfer culture by significantly switching up your vocabulary. Repetition and penetration is everything with this one. You’ve got to blitz face-to-face conversations, email, Twitter, Facebook, and even HeyTell. Pretty soon, your buddies will be rocking the lingo: “Like Oh My God, like totally! It’s so bitchin’! Bag your face, I’m shuuuur!” See the video below for a refresher. If you were a kid in the 80′s you’ll surely remember this!
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