Archive for the ‘Observations’ Category
I love to rant about ridiculous things that annoy me. I love it so much that I’ve started keeping notes. As I recently reviewed my running list from Evernote, I discovered quite a few annoyances to choose from. Apparently my tolerance levels have been low as of late. Tolerance. Not testosterone. That will be on the list a few years from now. Here’s what I got:
Toyota’s Product Positioning for Venza. I am honestly quite offended by the commercials for the Toyota Venza. I currently drive this model and I absolutely cannot agree that I am of the demographic portrayed by the “brilliant” Saatchi & Saatchi marketing team. In one of the commercials, A 20-something son wanders the house looking for his old fogie parents who have apparently gone to bed at 8:00 PM. In reality, the seniors are hosting a tailgate party in their Venza at the drive-in, passing around wine glasses of prune juice to other like-minded (and irregular) old farts. By the way, their affinity for prune juice is what earned them the nickname “old fart.” True fact.
HuluPlus Captivity. We recently bought a Roku box that allows us to wirelessly stream television show content from the internet to the TV. This has been great for summer entertainment when our regular shows are on hiatus. Our son convinced us to buy a subscription to HuluPlus, which seems to have the best selection of stuff we like. The downside? Commercials that you cannot fast-forward through. It seems Hulu was only able to garner sponsorship from about three advertisers. If I have to see the same two Geico commercials (lizard giving the disco ball presentation and the rock dwellers) one more time I’m going to send the Progressive lady to their corporate offices on a killing spree. And that Charmin commercial with the animated bear? They’ve set up a whole website dedicated to “making going to the bathroom more enjoyable.” Check it out here.
Over-Talkers. You know who I’m talking about. The ones who so desperately need to hear their own voice that they constantly interrupt you by starting a new conversation on top of the one already in progress. Call me sexist if you will, but this habit/character flaw/propensity seems to be more confined to the female gender. Guys usually follow the maxum, “Get in, get out.” I was in a recent meeting with five or six over-talkers where the cacophony was so intense that my left eye started twitching. The whole conversation was about buying the perfect pair of “pumps.” I learned way more about women’s shoes than a dude ever needs to know.
Pets with Human Names. Why do people insist on naming their pets after celebrities, historical figures, or dead relatives? I can’t understand the appeal of owning a Shar-Pei named Zsa Zsa, a tabby named Mr. Belvedere, or a fish named Ariel. Really? What happened to good old pet names like Duke, Hooch, Rascal, or Bubbles? Before my wife sells me out, I will have to admit that we used to own a cat named Chauncey. In my defense, the name fit perfectly. That was the most uppity cat I’ve ever seen, although I have to allow some grace for over-compensation. Chauncey was a female. Her uppitiness was no doubt a result of low self-esteem.
What’s the most ridulous pet name you’ve heard and/or used recently?
I really wanted to name this post “People Who Should Be Euthanized” but thought it was a little harsh. And now that Dr. Kervorkian has passed away, it’s much more complicated. It’s probably more loving (and your sentence might be lighter) to just maim them. A bullet to the foot or the fleshy part of their rear-end works nicely and gets your point across loud and clear.
I have no doubt that after reading this, you’ll follow me to the dark side. Described here are the insensitive and just plain annoying people who can drive you to manslaughter. You know some of them. You may even live with them. They must be stopped. I have some suggestions for punishments to fit the crimes.
The Movie Theater Talker
There are two categories of Movie Talker: the ones you brought with you, and the faceless ones sitting a row or two behind you. The one sitting next to you is constantly leaning over and peppering you with questions about the movie like, “Who is that dude with the wonky eye?”, “Why did she just pull a stapler from her purse?“, “Why are they doing that standing up against the car? Looks uncomfortable.” The one behind you loudly carries on an unrelated conversation in a normal tone of voice with his companion, “Dude are you coming with me to the Astros game tonight? I got killer seats. Oh! And it’s two-for-one beer night – I’m gonna totally get wasted, but you gotta drive home so none for you…”
Punishment: Duct tape three times around the head. It hurts a lot worse coming off, so you get double the enjoyment.
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If your Google search for “veggie tales asparagus” brought you to my blog, I think you’ll be bitterly disappointed. Oddly enough, this is the number one search term that drives traffic to my site, by a wide margin. Do I take pride in this? A little. But only because the situation is quirky and I’m all about the quirk. Do I wish these Google searchers were seeking “sexy quirky blogging guy” or “funny, hot, smart as Einstein”? Yeah, it’s my secret fantasy. But searches for talking asparagus? Not so much. Here are a few reasons why my blog is probably not going to satisfy your need for a Veggie Tales fix.
Occasionally I have to go to the mall. Usually it’s because I want to take advantage of the cheap variety of eating options in the food court. Lately the trek from parking lot to my food paradise has become a very unpleasant journey, but I’ve developed my own coping mechanism to adapt to the adverse conditions.
Once I leave the safety zone of the mall entrance of Macy’s, I keep my head down, walk at a brisk pace, and avoid eye contact at all costs. Even though my posture screams “DON’T BOTHER ME!!” I’m still accosted by those mall kiosk workers who follow the advice of Wayne Gretzky and “skate where the puck is going to be.” Once they see me heading their way, they begin stepping into the aisle so they can confront me at the exact moment I walk by their little shop of horrors. “Sir. SIR… SIR!!! Do you have a moment? Can I talk to you for a moment? Can I? Huh? Can I show you my product?” I mumble something like, “…not interested…” and pick up my pace. By the time I finally reach the food court I’ve blindly plowed over three toddlers, a baby in a stroller, and a group of senior citizens doing exercise laps across the mall.
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Five Things You Do Not Want To Hear in the Mens Room
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