Archive for the ‘Christian Life’ Category
As much as I deeply desire to be true to myself and in what I reveal to those around me, and as much as I want to be authentic, I find that many times I’m just not. This is a frustrating realization. How can I stand behind a blog named “Authentic Ramblings” and still live with my guard up so much of the time? Why do I still feel the need to throw up a mask to disguise who I really am?
I’ve spent the last several years really diving into these issues, and praying for a better understanding of what drives my need for a cover-up. It seems to come down to three somewhat related reasons. These three issues always seem to resonate loudly with other guys with whom I have honest, open, trusting friendships. I believe they speak to our identity as men, and ultimately can be answered and resolved through our relationship with Christ.
Do they resonate with you? Can you relate?
- Insecurity. Sometimes I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. When I’ve been out in the sun too long it gets tight and itchy and I have to scratch in embarrassing places. Metaphorically, though, I don’t feel like I measure up to other men around me. I find myself humiliated by my perceived lack of career progression, disappointed by my lack of recognized gifting or ability, or paralyzed by my discounted view of my life’s contribution. My insecurity causes me to withdraw, to hide, and shame is the predominant emotion that surfaces.
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“Everyone ends up somewhere. Few people end up somewhere on purpose.” – Craig Groeschel
A few weeks ago I took the opportunity to dive deeper into discovering my life’s purpose. This may sound a little odd, since I’m 45. Shouldn’t I have figured this out by now? For the past several years I’ve been living with an unsettling feeling that I haven’t realized the greater purpose for my life. You might call it an identity crisis, a mid-life crisis, or some other unflattering term that brings to mind red convertibles, toupees, and gold chains entwined with chest hair.
Yes, I’m a husband, a father, a son, a friend, and an employee of a great company. These are all very important pieces of the puzzle that form the picture of Jon Malstrom. But am I completely fulfilling the unique design for my life? I haven’t really felt like it. In fact, I’ve recently come through a season of depression, confusion, disappointment, and utter insignificance.
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I’ve recognized over the years that God uses certain methods to speak to me, methods that seem to be tailored just for the person that I am. I’ve always had a love for and an interest in music, so it’s no surprise that He often speaks through the words and melody of a song. He also uses my times of aerobic exercise to clear my thoughts and release my creativity. I hear Him much more clearly when I’m in this zone.
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I’m having a hard time getting into the spirit of Christmas this year. The busy-ness of our fall season is I’m sure part of the reason – there just hasn’t been any time to even think about Christmas. Beyond that, Christmas has just lost the magic that it once had for me. I’m bombarded everywhere I turn by weird and capitalistic trends that just don’t scream “Christmas!” to me. The screams I hear these days are usually inside my head, and they’re provoked by these annoying trends that just don’t align with my ideal fantasy of a Norman Rockwell Christmas.
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Nobody escapes this life without hurt, pain, wounds, and scars. Nobody. Some people are able to reconcile, heal, and move on quickly. Some remain “stuck” in the quicksand of the past, merely existing in the midst of their pain.
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