Jon Malstrom | Authentic Ramblings

My staff has had a huge laugh at my expense this afternoon.
  

I got into the office late today and found  that my badge wouldn’t open the gate to get into the parking garage, nor would it let me through the turnstiles into my building.  I’ll have to admit a little bit of panic rose up inside me.  Did they decide that a monkey really could do my job?  Did someone find my stash of Tic Tacs from Costco and mistake them for something even more recreational? 

Not to worry, it all turned out okay.  Apparently my card got de-magnetized somehow, and Security issued me a new one.  I’m definitely an opportunist and saw this as a perfect way for a do-over on the picture they took of me a year ago.  The company implemented a new badge-generating machine of some kind and whoever did my badge last time apparently hadn’t been to training.  My picture was so stretched out horizontally that I looked deformed.  And really fat.  They say the camera adds 20 pounds, but this picture was way beyond ridiculous. 

Earlier this afternoon I went down to have my picture retaken, and the guy says to me, “You’re Mr. Malstrom?  You don’t look anything like you’re picture.”  That’s the problem, dude. 

Finally, I just got a call a few minutes ago that my new card was ready, so I trotted downstairs all full of anticipation.  They handed it to me and I have to say I was not happy.  I went from “Fat Freddy” to ”The Thin Man.”  Really?  I’m sure there’s a checkbox in your software, Mr. Badge Maker, that’s labeled “Maintain Aspect Ratio.”  Let me train you how to click that box. 

From "Fat Freddy" to "The Thin Man." I really look somewhere in between the two. Like, normal.

Along the same lines, my staff gives me major grief over my picture on our corporate portal.  They call it my “Flock of Seagulls” look.  Hey, it’s 12 years old.  I would wear it the same way in a heartbeat if I just had the hair anymore.